PST Breakdown

This shit ain't easy.

Don't believe anyone who says that pre-service training (PST) is a breeze.  They are either woefully lacking self awareness, lying, or utterly devoid of emotion.  Even for those of us with previous travel and/or inter-cultural experience, PST is a unique and challenging situation.  Whether you're placed in a city or a village, live with a fantastic or demanding host family, have supportive or "difficult" site mates, have issues from home that weigh on you or only have weak connections back in the States, you will ride the emotional roller-coaster that is PST.

There is a lot to learn and acclimate to in a relatively short amount of time (although it can feel like an eternity some days).  You live and learn in a new language, culture, and family.  You make new friends, learn a new work context, become deprived of your independence, feel disconnected from your previous life, and adapt to living as an expatriate affiliate of the US government (even though you rarely feel like one).

When the ambassador came to speak to us one afternoon, a road crew came and smoothed out the road in front of our building about an hour before his arrival.  By the the next morning, the puddle-filled potholes had re-emerged.  Such are many public works and presentation in Shqipëria.

As a woman these pressures are heightened - even if "just" from the social pressure to conform to certain norms.  Gender role equality has a long way to go in Albania (a topic for a future post).  But overall Albanians are a very tolerant and welcoming people, and as long as you are open, friendly, respectful and genuine, you won't have many issues.  A common expression is "si të duash" or "do as you wish."  Eventually you stop feeling like you must always be "on your guard."

One difficulty I did not anticipate is the "surface European-ness" of Albania.  Although the country is avidly vying to become a member of the EU and greater European community, I sense they are inhibited by their relatively conservative culture, the legacy of communism and isolationism, and a weak economy.  Overtly, things appear to be European, but below the surface the country is still uniquely Albanian.  But, I am not convinced that is an entirely bad thing.    

I asked for some mayo to go with my fries, and I got a full plate.  And a bill for 100 lek ($1).  But I think the waiter felt bad about it, so now each time I go there he gives me a little mayo on the side whether I ask for it or not. 

If you are a soon to be PCV, I highly advise you settle things at home before you leave (whatever that means to you).  You will have a much easier and happier time here if you are not constantly worried about and connecting with people and situations at home.  This is especially true if you have a dashur (romantic partner) back home.  I do not struggle with this situation, but I feel the stress of my friends here who do.   Volunteers with partners in the States deal with significant additional pressure (even those with supportive partners).  Some couples of course do make it and go on to live happy lives together, but the majority do not.  Already within the first 7 weeks, we have seen several couples break up and one volunteer with a boyfriend has terminated her service (although I am not sure if the relationship had anything to do with her decision).  And just as many people treat travel as a pass for infidelity, I am sure the same is true for some attached PCVs who will be gone for much longer than a 2 week holiday.  If you come to country in a relationship, be prepared for challenges.  This is hard enough on its own, much less trying to relate your experiences with loved ones back home.

We saw this gem of an "evil eye avert-er" on a walk through Elbasan.

PST will occasionally make you feel like you are going crazy, especially around weeks 5 and 6.  In some respects your moods/acclimation follows the Albanian spring weather - initially breezy and fresh, then cold and rainy, and finally warm and bright.  All emotions will be heightened for at least part of the time - happiness, sadness, openness, competitiveness, resentment, empathy, isolation, eagerness, intimacy, confusion, loneliness, confidence, f*ck-it-all-ness, anxiety, lustiness, schadenfreude, connection, "travel euphoria," and homesickness (perhaps the only one I have not experienced - yet).  The walls will feel like they are closing in.  You will feel like you are being taught too much, then taught too little, then taught the wrong things, then not know how the hell you feel.  BUT, this too shall pass. You will eventually get over all of that.  And anyway, PST ends regardless.  Each time I begin to feel as if I just can't take it anymore, I remind myself that training used to be 13 weeks instead of "just" 10.

hijab-ed Barbie candies for sale in Thanë

My site mates and I must continually remind each other that PST can make people act out of character.  We must give each other and ourselves some slack.  We are all in this together, even if we don't always act like it.

But despite the brief PST blues, I am having a great time.  I have made new friends and had adventures.  I've explored new cities, roamed the countryside, had picnics in random fields, enjoyed some crazy-fast furgon rides, eaten delicious food, imbibed new wines, beers and spirits, and felt like a part of something good and bigger than myself.  And really what else can you want from life?